Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR