Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight