Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Just say no
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Breaking news:
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful