Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My dress code is business-casualty.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Nose
The news
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)