Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold