Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day