Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I missed you with all my darts