Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!