Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Monday

A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Good morning!

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.