Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.