Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I love twitter
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.