Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Why soy sad?

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!