Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.