Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

I think the cat got the dog high.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Wait a minute

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I can fix him.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon