Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

Saturday

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

Weirdos gonna weird.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children