Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Trumpy Cat
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
