Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

When life hands you women, make women laid.