Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
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DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Spell check is for lasers.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.