Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.