Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’