Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Proctology is located in A55
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
We avoided this particular disaster
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.