Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet