Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

love it when they get my name right

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.

Husband: …

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.