Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
love it when they get my name right
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.