Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
He’s dead
Tuesday
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
💻🤡
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet