Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo