Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”

So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed