Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
#oldknees
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Tell me you get it…🤣
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body