Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I know karate and tons of other words.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up