Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.