Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is