Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

People buying plungers never look happy.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”