Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.