Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out: WrestleVania

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

“I’m helping” 😅

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

🤣

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

can’t talk my ride’s here

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in