Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Well well well…

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!

Bad sex? Just add Tequila!

Bad day? Just add Tequila!

Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.