Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”