Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

“SOMEONE IS VAPING”

911: Stay calm, were tracing it

“HURRY”

911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE

“OMG”

911: GET OUT GET OUT

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Not today, today.
Not today.

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.