Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?