Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.

Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM

Obama: Please just wave.

Biden:

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

A huge thanks to the person that did this

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.