Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain