Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

This meal prepping shit is easy

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

Hey I worked for it too!

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese