Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

awesome draft from months ago i just found

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”