Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

I see your IQ test came back negative

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I laughed at this way too hard.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.