Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Real House Wines.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.