Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Good morning, Twitter x
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.