Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale