Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
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If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.