Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

A roof is a house hat.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

When you “pspspsp” too hard

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.