Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people