Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

logging onto twitter…

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.