Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
house sitting!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.