Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
You Might Also Like
I’m just playing devils avocado here
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.