Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Cashiers are always checking me out
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.