Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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My first son he is wonderful
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
lmao
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.