@JustCallMeFrank

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

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@sixfootcandy

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I love u”
“Umm isn’t it a bit too soon to say I love you?”
“Oh ha I meant the letter U. What’s your fav u word? Mine is Unreciprocated lol”

@MorticiaKate

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

@weinerdog4life

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

@FatherWithTwins

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.