Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

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