Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

I’m awake but I object,

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.