Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.

Hell. No.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.

USA: …

World: right?

USA: …

World: RIGHT?

USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.