Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Drive like no one is watching.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am