Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.