Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.