Someone should probably go check on Steve.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.