At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
It’s the weekend y’all
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…