Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Morning my dudes.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
May have had one breakfast too many
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous