Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
i love meeting boys on tinder
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: