Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!