Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
All set.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad