Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.