Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
finally found a reasonable question
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Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]