Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
looks legit
This fish is cracking me up
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.