Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
🤣
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this