I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.