Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.