Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
You Might Also Like
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
spicy snake
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
