Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
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Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa